Friday, March 28, 2014

My Two Cents: How to Lower Crime


Recently, a man was arrested in Madison, Wisconsin after allegedly violating his bail. It's a crime that occurs over and over in every city in America. This time, however, the Internet exploded, rocketing this particular low-level bad guy into the public consciousness.

Why? Because his name is Beezow Doo-Doo Zoppittybop-Bop Bop (in his parents' defense, they filled out his birth certificate with the not-at-all batshit-insane name of Jeffrey Drew Wilschke.)

It gave me an idea...

Perhaps we need to stop giving criminals badass nicknames like "Scarface" and "The Unabomber." Who'd rob a bank if it means a Google search on your name will produce 10,000 results for "The Stinky Creampuff"? No one wants to be saddled with an identifier like "Pudgy Toejam" for the rest of their lives. Not to mention that absolutely nobody wants their biography to be titled, "The Last Great Train Robber: The Untold Story of Bruce 'The Moldy Soft-Sausage' Colchester. "

Let these new street names hit the media, and criminals everywhere will abandon their illegal, now much less badass, criminal plans lest every single person in the free world know you best as "The Infamous Roachsnorter." Frankly, no crime is worth becoming "The Flamboyant Puppykicker" for all eternity.

Can you imagine the headlines?


CONVICTED SPY 'THE AMBIVALENT McRUNNYFART' CAUTIOUSLY LEAKED CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS

NOTORIOUS CAT BURGLAR OBESE GOOSEFUCKER WANTED FOR QUESTIONING

COPS FINALLY MAKE ARREST IN SWEATY PIGHERPES CASE


I can think of nothing that would thrill the Internet more than to wake up tomorrow in a world where skinheads, heroin dealers and identity thieves must struggle to live under constant ridicule now that their names are synonymous with such gems as "Flaccid Asssniffer," "Putrid Knobgobbler" and "The Pissy Tantrum Gang." The Smoking Gun alone would fall to their knees in gratitude for such a bounty.

All it would take was a few minutes with YouTube's comments section and you'd have all the ammunition you'd need to turn being a "pimp" named Nate "Smoothy" Johnson into a "pudwacker" named Nate "Moist Taintaddict" Johnson.

And let's be honest...how cool would that job be? To actually get paid to mine message boards and comments for the most truly un-cool AKAs the world has ever seen. Finally, a job where being an obnoxious, insomniac WoW junkie would pay off! Smartass douchebags worldwide would be competing for the right to get paid to call a drunk driver names like "Cricketcock," "Deadfish Droopyvag" and "The Fuckpuppet Shitzu." They could even form a union: Trash Talkers Local 69. Their motto? "We're Rubber, They're Glue, What Bounces Off of Us Sticks To You FOREVER."

Come on, people. Let's get to work on this! I'm dying to watch my local news give in-depth coverage of the trial of the People vs. Jack "Eats Turds" Martin.

Aren't you?

And that was my two cents...





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Monday, March 24, 2014

30 Years Ago Today...





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RIP Dave Brockie of Gwar

Sad news...police have verified that David Brockie, AKA Gwar's Oderus Urungus, died this morning at his home in Richmond, Virginia. He was 50 years old.

We've lost a unique creative force who entertained us so very well for 30 years. With Dave gone, the world just became a whole lot less badass.









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Monday, February 24, 2014

Quiz: Which Muppet Are You?

I haven't posted a quiz in years. Time for that to change. And what better quiz to bring back this tradition, than the "Which Muppet Are You" quiz from zimbio.com?

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Sunday, January 05, 2014

The Meloni-Trump Rule

Whilst wasting time on a message board today, I came across this question:

"What are your major turn-offs?"

Now, I have been married for many, many years. The last time I had a date Kurt Cobain was still alive. Thus, it has (thankfully) been a long time since I have had to concern myself with things like body chemistry and deal breakers. Needless to say, the question was, for me, purely academic.

As it turns out, my turnoffs haven't changed in the eons since Jonathan and I were wed. So I put in my two cents:

"I don't tend to like blondes. And I prefer a guy with tattoos. My major turnoff? Big, gigantic muscles. The kinds where the veins look like they are trying desperately to jump ship. One of my closest friends just loves guys like that: big guns, six-packs, gym-five-times-a-week guys. Ugh. No thanks..."

I then wondered just what physical characteristic was, in my opinion, worse than the average steroid addict. What physical characteristic would be the equivalent of an Arctic-level cold shower were I a woman with no ring on my left hand.

It didn't take long to nominate a candidate. It is a problem that men have tackled for years, and modern technology has yet to solve:

"...oh, and not going bald with dignity. I hate the Hair Games: bad combovers (is there any other kind?), weird Caesars, freaky hair plugs, dead-animalish toupees. Either shave your head entirely or own your pate. Remember: Christopher Meloni is hot. Donald Trump isn't."

Voila! Thus was born the Meloni-Trump Rule: when going bald, be Meloni. Do not be Trump.

Both Christopher Meloni and Donald Trump very clearly have male pattern baldness. Meloni is quite obviously a man comfortable in his own skin, regardless of the fact that there's more of his hair in the shower drain than on his head. His confidence and refusal to resort to the Hair Games makes him all the more sexy. Definitely a role model for the high hairline set.

And there, on the exact opposite scale from Meloni, sits business man and reality star dismisser Donald Trump. And the very first thing most people notice about the Donald? His extremely ridiculous combination combover and Caesar with a sprinkling of bad toupee on top. Obviously the Donald has complicated "hair."

Easily the worst aspect of Trump's frankenhair is his constant and unconvincing insistence that he is absolutely not balding, and he simply grows polyester hair naturally. Don't all super-rich douchebags sprout petrochemical strands of hair at will? No? Perhaps that's what l those ultra-exclusive country clubs are for: playing bad golf and getting ass-to-scalp hair transplants. The rich really do live differently than we do.

Gentlemen, take note! The giant rhymes-with-Dolores in the film "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut" told you all you need to know as to why the Meloni-Trump Rule applies to damn near all of your follically-challenged brethren: chicks dig confidence.

Be confident in your ability to rock every inch of your receding hairline. Most women are indeed attracted to men who are in possession of a healthy dose of self-esteem. Secure men. Confident men. And wearing a bad rug is the very opposite of confidence. It's instead the biggest turnoff of them all: desperation.

I think the photos below serve as more than enough evidence to prove the need for my cranial proclamation. I chose these two men because they truly represent the two extremes of baldness: sexy Meloni and cringeworthy Trump. Look at them, look at yourself in the mirror, and adjust your scalp accordingly.

Of course, that's just this blogger's opinion. Your mileage may vary.











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Friday, December 13, 2013

12 Days of Xmas: Intro & Day One

It's 12 days until Christmas...and I will be posting 12 YouTube videos a day for 12 days! Some will be funny, some will be classics, and some will be just plain weird. Holiday specials, music videos, movie clips and even commercials will be among the choices.

They'll be posted daily on Twitter (@ZenAngelSinger) with the hashtag #12DaysofXmas; on my FB account & on my Google+ account.

For those who want a full list, I will be posting it here on the Zen Pretzel Trick! Check in daily to see today's choices.


12 DAYS OF XMAS VIDEOS
DAY ONE:

1) Silver Bells--Paul Simon & Steve Martin

2) You Ruined My Xmas--The Supreme Fabulettes

3) Star Wars Holiday Special Ending

4) 1950's Tootsie Roll Christmas-Themed Commercial

5) 10 Highly Unusual Facts About Christmas

6) Silent Night--Johnny Cash & His Daughters

7) It's Christmas C'est Noel--Jordy

8) Heck, Why Is Santa Always So Jolly?--Rugrats Holiday Classics

9) Happy New Year!!--Spike Jones & The City Slickers

10) You Ain't Getting Sh*t For Christmas--Red Peters

11) Charlie Brown Christmas Tales Part 2

12) Ellen Found Some Bad Holiday Photos!


Enjoy!

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Thursday, November 28, 2013

Why Don't You Celebrate Thanksgiving? An Essay

I post this here on the ZPT every year.
Have a wonderful day---whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or not.

A disclaimer: read the warning first.
If you don't, I'm not responsible if you get offended.
Hell, I'm not responsible if you get offended either way.....


BEFORE YOU READ THIS, A WARNING:
Do not read this if you will be offended by a different point of view on the Thanksgiving holiday.
I am not here to preach to anyone and have no desire to ruin anyone's concept
of the holiday (and the quotes at the end are intended to be humorous, nothing more).
I am posting this only because I am personally of the belief that knowledge hidden is knowledge wasted.

Thanks in advance.
*******************


WHY DON'T YOU CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING?

Over the last few days, I have been asked this a dozen times or more. It happens every year. My reply that I am a Native American only seems to confuse some of
the questioners. "Well, it's your holiday, too," I hear quite often. My answer:
it is not my holiday.

And here is why.

The traditional Thanksgiving story tells that the Pilgrims, after a long and hard winter, celebrated with a feast and invited their Indian friends. A nice story,
to be sure. But not the whole story. That story is a mixture of both truth and myth. What follows, is our truth (just a note: there is another version of a Thanksgiving which
has nothing to do with Pilgrims. Click here for the story of the Pequot Tribe massacre and the feasting that the Mass. Bay Colony declared to celebrate it).


First of all, one must understand that the Pilgrims were a splinter group of the Puritans, an extremist religious sect. They viewed themselves as the "Chosen Elect" from Revelations. They saw themselves as fighting a Holy war against Satan, and anyone who disagreed with them was their enemy. This inculded their "friends," the Natives. In fact, in the 1623 Thanksgiving sermon, they gave thanks to God for the smallpox that had nearly wiped out all of the Wampanoag Indians. They were especially thankful that the men and children had died, or the "seeds" of their nation. Not a particularly nice way to treat peoples who helped them survive that first winter in the "New" World. For without the help of the Natives, the Pilgrims would have died. Insofar as the Pilgrims were concerned, they had "repaid" that kindness with the feast, and owed the Natives nothing more. The Natives were still their Holy enemies, to be treated as such. In fact, the Pilgrims believed that they only had to be kind to the Natives because they were, at that time, powerful; and only needed to continue being kind until the boatloads of settlers shifted the balance of power in the Pilgrims' favor. Anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of American history realizes that that is exactly what happened.

Which leads one to a question with an ironic answer: "Why did the Natives help the Pilgrims?" Because, in their religion, one must give hospitality to any who came to them with open hands, and their religion stressed charity to the helpless. In fact, it was the Natives who brought the vast majority of the food to that first Thanksgiving feast! The Pilgrims weren't "sharing their bounty." It was the other way around.

By the time the children of that first Thanksgiving reached adulthood, the Pilgrims and their reinforcements began to systmatically commit genocide against the Native peoples in a war known as King Phillip's War. Many Natives were also captured and sold into slavery for the profit of the Pilgrims whom they had saved from starvation only years before. So successful was this slave trade, in fact, that the settlers began raiding Africa to bring slaves to the "New" World.

To add insult to injury, children in schools have for generations been prompted to "re-enact" that first feast by donning gross misrepresentations of Native ceremonial clothing and speaking in broken English in order to pretend be the "Indians" who are "thankful" to be invited to the feast! These "costumes" and broken English stereotypes are highly offensive to Native Americans, and many schools now are discontinuing such programs as a result, or altering them into a more tolerant program.

Many Natives celebrate a "Day Of Mourning" on Thanksgiving Day, to mourn our ancestors who were killed for their generosity (I am not one who does this, although I respect those who do).

So, to wrap it up: in our version of the first Thanksgiving, we helped the Pilgrims survive that first horrible winter in the "New World." We even brought a great deal of food to a feast to celebrate. Once the feast was over, we discovered that our "friends" saw us as demons to be eradicated from the land or sold into
slavery for their profit. Shiploads upon shiploads of the "white man" came to make good on the promise to commit genocide against us. Our religious beliefs prompted us to help them; theirs promted them to kill us. The sad irony of the myth that the Pilgrims "escaped" England because of religious persecution does not escape us (That story is not exactly true, either. Click here for a more accurate history of the Pilgrims.).

So I cannot, in good conscience, celebrate a holiday that in my mind is a lie. I cannot celebrate the decimation of the Native American. I cannot celebrate people who, if they had had their way, would rather I not exist at all.

To be fair, Thanksgiving has evolved into something far beyond what the Pilgrims celebrated. Now, it means a gathering of the family, and a chance to count one's blessings. I respect those who celebrate for those reasons, and  wish them a happy holiday.

I wish our side of the story was taught in schools, rather than perpetuate the myths. I wish that Thanksgiving could be a time when Americans remember and honor the Native peoples who helped them survive and made this country possible. Perhaps someday, it will.


I'd like to wrap up this posting with a quote from the movie, "Addams Family Values":

"Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years
from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play
golf, and eat hot hors d'ourves. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts."


And finally, one from a Wampanoag Tribal member in Massachusetts, from a speech given in 1970 at a ceremony marking the 350th anniversary of the Pilgrim's arrival:


"Today is a time of celebrating for you -- a time of looking back to the first days of white people in America. But it is not a time of celebrating for me. It is with a heavy heart that I look back upon what happened to my People. When the Pilgrims arrived, we, the Wampanoags, welcomed them with open arms, little knowing that it was the beginning of the end. That before 50 years were to pass, the Wampanoag would no longer be a tribe. That we and other Indians living near the settlers would be killed by their guns or dead from diseases that we caught from them. Let us always remember, the Indian is and was just as human as the white people. Although our way of life is almost gone, we, the Wampanoags, still walk the lands of Massachusetts. What has happened cannot be changed. But today we work toward a better America, a more Indian America where people and nature are once again important."


Have a blessed day.